Dead Roses
by Watson is a hedgehog
Summary: Severus Snape lets Lily Evans know about how he feels about her. However, Lily likes James Potter. Despite that, Lily agrees to go out with Snape. But Snape doesn't know that she likes James. How will he react? What will he do when he finds out? WARNING: SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM CONTAINED IN THIS MATERIAL! Beware . . . Credit goes to J.K. Rowling for the base of the storyline.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys! This is a Harry Potter fanfiction and to warn you, has some depressing and suicidal ideas in it, so beware. This is my first one and I would love to give credit to my darling beta-reader, TheBlackKimono. I hope you guys enjoy! **

**Snape POV:**

I walked into Potions and set my belongings down at one of the tables near the front. Potions was my best and favorite class. I looked around for the only person I wished to see, and then found them:

Lily Evans.

She walked in with a bunch of her other friends, giggling as they set their things down at the table next to mine. God was she beautiful. She had thick, dark red hair that I longed to run my hair through that cascaded down her shoulders like water. Her eyes were a vibrant bright emerald green that shone with happiness. Most of the guys swooned over her. But she and I are the ones that are going to end up being together.

We were really good friends, and I didn't want to ruin that. However, I didn't want to keep my feelings in the dark and watch her be in an intimate relationship with another man. It was I that deserved her. We were supposed to meet after dinner, in my common room to hangout. I couldn't wait; it was going to be time to confess my true feelings for her. I hope she feels the same way.

I walked up to Lily, who was busy writing the new potion formula in her notebook. I tapped her on the shoulder gingerly and she turned her head to look up at me. She smiled at me and the corners of her luminous eyes crinkled. "Hi, Severus!" she said.

"Hi. I was just wondering if you were still up to meet after dinner." I asked my palms slightly sweaty.

"Oh yeah. I can't wait! Do you want to work on homework or something?"

"Yeah, sure. I can't wait to see you then!"

"Me too!"

I walked back to my seat and sat down. I really couldn't wait until then.

After eating a copious amount of food during dinner, I went back to my room to gather all the supplies needed for out study session. I walked back to my commons room and set everything up. Right on the dot, I saw Lily walk in. She had a satchel slung over her shoulder and her cheeks were rosy from the bitter cold outside, emphasizing her high cheekbones.

"Hey, Lily," I said, calling her over.

She looked over at me and grinned. "Hi!"

She walked over and sat down next to me on the sofa in front of the glowing fire place. She took her books and notebooks out, as well as her pencils and pens, and set them down on the table next to mine. "What do you want to study first?" She asked me.

"Hmm….how about History of Magic? Best to get the worst out of the way first." I suggested.

"Sure! I'd love that." She opened up her textbook, as did I, and I started working on the essay on the Lost Diadem of Revena Ravenclaw.

After a few struggling moments, I took a deep breath and adjusted my body so I was facing her. She felt me staring at me and glanced up. "Yes?" she asked.

"Lily, I have to confess something." I said, hesitant.

_Was I really ready to tell her how I felt? What if she didn't feel the same way about me? What if it's going to ruin our friendship? Would she avoid me? _These questions bounced around in my head, and pestered me. However, I shoved them all away. I was determined to get her.

"Lily Evans, I know you and I have been friends for quite a few years. I know what I am about to say will possibly jeopardize our friendship. But I don't want to be intimidated, whether or not you feel the same. I just wanted to tell you that I have a heart full of undying love for you that I couldn't, myself, help to express."

Throughout my sayings, Lily's head was bowed down. But when I finished, she peered up, her stunning eyes swimming in a pool of glistening tears.


	2. Chapter 2 Part 1

**A/N: Hello! This is Chapter two, part two. I know this a little short, but I have a part 2 (of course) and I will upload that soon. Please review. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2: Part one**

**Lily's POV:**

"_Lily Evans, I know you and I have been friends for quite a few years. I know what I am about to say will possibly jeopardize our friendship. But I don't want to be intimidated, whether or not you feel the same. I just wanted to tell you that I have a heart full of undying love for you that I couldn't, myself, help to express."_

What was I going to say? I mean, I liked Severus, but not like that. He was one of my best guy friends. He is right, however, that what he said could jeopardize our friendship. I liked it the way it was. What if I told him I liked him and then something bad happens? What then? We'll probably break up and then act like we never want to see each other again.

However, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He's always been there for me whenever one of my girl friends were acting bitchy. I couldn't let him down.

I looked up at him. Concern flooded his face as he saw my eyes fill with tears. "Severus, I love you, too."

I lunged forward and clung to his shoulders. I hugged him and pecked his cheek. He was a little surprised, but hugged me back as soon as he recovered. He gently stroked my hair and hugged my waist. We were like that for a while, and then broke apart.

We sat back in our original position and went about the work.

But the originality didn't last long.

What did I just do? How rude and misleading is it to tell one of your best friends, who confessed they loved you, that you love them back? I could have fallen in love any second with another guy. It would break _my _heart to break _his_ heart.

After our study session, it was quite late. I packed all my things and got up to leave, Severus trailing behind me. I opened the door and stood in the doorway. I hugged the books that I couldn't fit in my bag to my chest. "So I'll see you soon, then?"

He nodded and grinned at me. God. He looked so happy. I mentally slap myself for doing something so careless. He was dubious to my actions and thoughts. How could I back out of it now? But like my friend said, _In order to succeed in life, you have to first BS your way through it._

I was ready to brace myself for whatever was heading my way.


	3. Chapter 2 Part 2

**A/N: Heyo! This is part 2 of the Chapter 2. I hope you guys will enjoy it! **

Chapter 2: Part 2

Lily's POV:

I walked into astronomy and took my seat. I began taking the notes that were on the board up front. I felt a shift in the seat next to me. I looked over, only to see the most popular boy in Hogwarts:

James Potter.

He looked at me with his light brown eyes. His dark black hair slicked neatly and parted. He smiled, perfect teeth in an array.

I smiled back and moved my things so he could set his things down. "Hi. I'm James," he introduced himself. He stuck a hand out for me to shake.

"Hi. I'm Lily." I said, extending my hand, meeting his with mine. We shook hands and drew our hands apart.

"So is this your favorite subject?" He asked.

"Eh. It's okay. What about you?" I replied.

"I like all the subjects. If this isn't your favorite one, then what is?"

"Hmmm…." I pondered. "I like . . . Potions."

"Ooooo. That's probably my worst subject. I still like it."

"Yeah. It's fun, but too much homework!"

"Yeah. Between Quidditch and my other classes, I barely have anytime. If only the teachers knew that I actually had a social life."

I laughed. "True. But studies are more important than friends . . . well that is to me."

"I guess," He said, shrugging his shoulders.

I turned back in my seat to face the front as the professor walked in.

15 minutes into the class, a piece of paper flew onto the desk in front of James, coming from behind him. We both turned around to see who sent it: 2 giggling girls in the back (one with short brown hair and the other with long blonde hair that went down to her ribs), giving flirtatious looks at James. One of them, the one with brown hair, caught my eye and glared at me. I glared back, upset that she's giving me a snide look for something that I am oblivious to. She looked back to James and winked at him.

I rolled my eyes at her ridiculous mood swings. I turned around and paid attention to the teacher. James turned around after a few more minutes and opened the note. Inside, were a boy and a girl, kissing. An arrow pointed at the girl's swollen head and said, _Annie._ When I looked at the guy, I didn't have to know who it was: James. I snorted at the stupidity and the high-school-sweetheart effect it had on it. How pathetic.

That put me in a foul mood, for sure. I glared at my notes and scribbled down whatever the professor said. I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and looked. It was James and concern flooded his eyes. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I grumbled.

I don't know why I was mad with him. I mean, come one, he was very good looking and a lot of girls gushed over him. I guess it was just the fact that maybe he was distracting me? I had no idea.

"Are you sure?" He continued.

"Yes." I replied, slightly irritated. The more he asked me, the more irritated I got.

I heard giggling from the back. Without turning around, I knew that it was those two brats. James turned around and said in a harsh manner, "Could you two please stop? It's getting quite irritating and I don't find you two attractive in the slightest ways."

With that, he turned around and faced me, a smile plastered on his face. "Thanks," I mumbled.

"No problem."

The rest of the class went by really quickly and was kind of pleasant. The two girls behind me didn't make a peep and my anger went down.

After class, I met up with Snape. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. "Want to come over after our last class?" He whispered seductively.

"Maybe. I have to go to the library. There's a huge report due in Defense Against the Dark Arts. If you want, you could join me."

"Sure. I'll see you then."

"Okay. Bye." I waved.

I walked towards the library, even more upset with myself.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you guys, for those of you who reviewed. It helps a lot. **** TheBlackKimono wrote this chapter, we're doing a co-write. We decided to put it in 3****rd**** person. Enjoy! **

Chapter 3

"Are you really sure you don't want to go to the match? It'll be fun, you can yell at Gregory McCoy to get his team playing honestly." It was true, the Slytherin team captain was a dirty, cheating leader and at a previous game, he 'accidently' kicked a Hufflepuff's old broom into a goal post as the Keeper was attempting to block a shot. The victim was in the care of Madam Pomfrey for several weeks.

Snape's friends enjoyed the foul play, but Snape hated it and that was one of the main reasons he never went to a match ever since McCoy became Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team. Lily didn't go often either.

"No, I'm sorry, Lily, but I have much work to do." He said with a forced smile as he pushed food around on his plate. A small bit of potato flopped off the plate and onto the floor. Severus watched a Cleaning Charm dissolve it instantly.

"Alright." Lily's face fell, slightly, but made up for it by a sunny smile and a peck on Severus's cheek.

"I'll you later, bye." She got up and her plate was whisked away. She left the Great hall, her red braid swinging back and forth. Snape watched her retreating form until she left the hall all together.

Snape went back to pushing food around on his plate. The Great Hall began to clear out, leaving him and a few others in the Hall.

"Hey! Severus!" A croaky voice bellowed.

Snape looked up. "Hm?"

Antonin Dolohov stood in front of him, a leering grin of his face.

"Getting sweet with the Mudblood, aren't ya, Sev?" He cackled.

"Piss off." Snape said angrily.

"Carrow, Yaxley and I are going to practice the Cruciatus Curse on a Mudblood first-year in the Astronomy Tower. Wanna come?" The heavy-set boy asked him.

"No, thank you," Snape said firmly.

"Oh, I see, not wanting to disappoint your Mudblood girlfriend, hmm…?" Dolohov asked leeringly.

"Don't. Call. Her. That." Snape growled at Dolohov.

"Oh, a Mudblood?"

Snape had had enough. In a split second, he yelled, _Stupefy!_ And Dolohov flew backwards onto a table inhabited by straggling, brutish looking Griffindores. And Dolohov looked to be their main course.

Severus angrily got up and strode out the Hall and back to the Slytherin Common Rooms, where he furiously spent his time going over Potion supplies, reading books on Potions, and making potions. He managed to perfect an antidote to the Draught of Living Death, much to his pleasure.

_Meanwhile…._

Lily Evans slowly walked down to the Quidditch field, wishing Severus had come. She would have loved to laugh at how ridiculous James looked during half-time with Severus, while those insane girls threw themselves at the poor teenager. He really had no idea what to do with them.

She climbed into the stands and sat down in the second row. A few moments later, she felt someone poke her in the back. She turned around.

"What?"

A boy with messy black hair grinned cheekily at her. Another boy sat next to him, staring at Nymphadora Tonks, who was seated no too far away.

"I'm Sirius Black, and that's Remus Lupin." The other barely acknowledged her presence, nodding slightly.

"We're both friends of James. He talks about you an awful lot. I can see why," He added as an afterthought, winking at Lily. Lily huffed and turned back around. She wanted nothing to do with that prat.

The match soon started. The ball was in Slytherin's hands but Finley Hughes, a Chaser, whacked it away from the opponent and quickly scored a goal. She scouted the field for James. After a few minutes, she still couldn't find him. _I hope he didn't fall ill or anything._

_Whoosh._

Lily saw a blur of red and gold, quickly followed by something green and silver.

It was James! She knew she'd find the famed Seeker. And it seemed he had found the Snitch! Sirius Black and Remus Lupin behind cheered their friend on, urging him to go faster on that Whipwhick broom of his.

"C'mon Jamie-boy! You can do better!" Sirius yelled happily, seeing to love making James embarrassed.

Lily found herself cheering as well.

The two Seekers were neck and neck, going around Bludgers, Chasers, and barely missing a poorly aimed Quaffle, which missed James' head by mere centimeters.

The Slytherin Seeker, Hephalia Blunt, suddenly swerved towards James, but James saw her turn and dipped, right below her and took the chance to zoom ahead. He snatched the Snitch, and just like that, Griffindore won the game.

Red and gold flooded onto the field as all the players landed, lifting the team onto shoulders, tossing lighter ones in the air and clapping one another on their back. Lily saw James through the crowd and moved towards him. Her path was blocked, however, by those two girls that loved to flirt with James.

"Where do you think you're going, Evans?" The tall one with brown hair asked her, folding her arms.

"Not this way, bitch." Lily said happily, and turned to go in a different direction. Feeling giddy after brushing them off, she found James. He saw her in the ground and made his way over to her.

He lifted her into a hug and spun her around a little before putting her down.

_Where'd that come from?_Lily asked herself, but pushed the question out of her head and focused on James.

"You were great," Lily said, smiling.

He scratched the back of his head.

"Eh, not really." Lily bumped him on the shoulder lightly, still smiling.

"Yes, you were, and you know it." She mumbled.

Everyone began to walk to the castle. She found her and James walking back together. Those two girls from before shot her many jealous glares, and once the middle finger, but she honestly didn't care. She was happy, and that was all that mattered.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Snape's POV:**

I briskly walked into my dorm. I had to gather my things so we could go to the library. I haven't gotten the time to see her in a long time. Between classes, my friends, her friends and family, it was a bit hectic. However, the thing that made me happy was that no matter how hard things were, we always found time for each other.

After about 5 hours since classes finished, I walked over to the library to meet Lily. I entered and spotted her in the back. I smiled and walked over, setting my things on the table. She peered up and grinned. "Hi, Severus."

"Hi, Lily." I said.

She got up and we decided to get some books for our research paper.

We were behind the bookshelves when I did something.

What I did was so unexpected and I knew that I was going too fast, but I just loved her so much:

I gently grasped her hand and tugged her towards me. I pressed my lips to hers softly. Her lips tasted like the grape chapstick she usually wore, making them soft and supple. I wrapped my hands around her waist and tugged her closer, wanting to be flush against her.

All of a sudden, she put her hands on my chest and pushed me back. I stumbled backwards. I contained my composure and began walking towards her. "Are you okay?" I asked, slowly.

"Severus, I'm not ready for this," she said softly. "I feel like we're going too fast. I understand that you like me, but could we just slow down a little?"

"Of course. Anything. I love you," I replied, nodding my head vigorously.

"Thanks," a small smiled played upon her lips, her rosy pink lips curling up in the corners. God, I really wanted to kiss those lips again, but I knew I couldn't. I will wait for her until she's ready.

"Great. Shall we get started?"

"Sure."

We went back to the table and sat down, taking out the materials for our homework.

Halfway though, I asked, "Do you want to take a break?"

"That sounds nice."

"Would you like something to drink? I could get something from the kitchen."

"Yeah, sure. I would like pumpkin juice."

I briskly walked down to the kitchen and asked one of the house elves for two glasses of pumpkin juice.

"Right away, sir." The old house elf said. And a moment later, she had two glasses of the orange liquid.

"Minny has them, sir," The house elf said and handed them to Severus.

I then left and brought the glasses back to the library, out of the eye of Madam Pince. Well, I kind of put an Invisibility Charm on them. Oh well.

"So, how's life?" I asked, attempting to start a conversation as I handed her a glass.

"Oh it's spectacular. How about yours?" she replied, taking the drink from me and taking a sip.

"Quite good. Are you okay? You seem a little . . . peculiar."

"How so?" she peered up with a questionable look from her textbook and notebook.

"You're very quiet. You're usually talkative."

She seemed to ponder on that thought for a while before responding. "No. It's just that I have a lot of work to do. I'm so stressed out about it."

"Understandable. You take many more courses than I do."

"Yeah . . ." She trailed off.

"So do you want to go out for dinner sometime later?" I asked, hopeful. I know that I was always trying to spend time with her, but I didn't want things to get slightly awkward. I hope she wasn't thinking I'm desperate.

"I'll have to think about that. I have a tight schedule and since this is our 6th year, we're having quite a lot of homework."

"Okay. Take your time."

"Thank you," she said. "Anywho, I think I should get going. It's getting late and dinner is about to start."

"So I'll see you later." I stated.

"Defiantly." She replied, putting her coat on. When she buttoned it up and got her things, she pecked me on the cheek and walked over to the door.

"I'll see you later, Severus."

"See you, Lily. Bye."

"Goodbye."

She turned around and closed the door. I cradled my head in my hands while resting my arms on the table.

Was I going to fast? Was I sounding desperate? I think I was. I invited her to dinner and we've been having dates a lot. How could she even find time for herself? I'm probably the one making everything stressful. Was I making things awkward for her?

All these thoughts and questions flooded my mind as I looked up and stared at the white ceiling that was above me. But the worst one stood out the most like a butcher's knife in a pile of spoons.

_What if she doesn't like me at all?_

I shook my head. No. She even admitted that she liked me. She wouldn't lie . . . would she?

Nope. My Lily would never lie to me. We were really good friends and now a couple. She would never jeopardize this relationship indirectly.

I sighed as I gathered my things and retreated back to my room.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

Lily POV:

I quickly walked back to my room, even more furious with myself than before. A picture of Severus's face when I told him that I wasn't ready kept on playing in my mind. I'm just hurting him even more and more.

I shook my head as I pushed my way into my dorm, dropping everything on my bed and taking my coat, gloves and scarf off, hanging it by the door. I walked back to my bed and sat down, sighing. Joan Ross looked over from her bed, her brow furrowing.

"Something wrong Lily?"

"Not really."

"Mhm." She said skeptically.

I internally shook my fist at the ceiling.

Thoughts were piling up in my mind. What was I going to do? When will I tell Severus that I don't really like him? How will he feel? How will I break it to him that I don't love him? How do I feel?

That's when it hit me:

I fancied James Potter.

I let out a shaky breath as I let that thought sink in. How selfish could I be? Doing something like that; liking another boy when I told my best friend that I loved him?

I slapped my hand on the bed and pushed myself off, trudging to the bathrooms, deciding to take a shower. That's probably the only way that could relieve my stress.

I stripped and got in, just standing there as the water poured over my head and down my body. However, I was still tense. I couldn't relax my muscles as I kept on thinking about Severus and what it would be like for him to realize that I didn't like him. I'm betraying him.

What kind of friend would do something like that? I should have told him from day one that I never liked him like that. . . that way, he would be not as hurt. Sure, it would make us distant for a while, but it would have been better then causing him more pain and to live in misery.

I stepped out of the shower and cleared my mirror, covered in fog.

There were purple bags under my eyes and my skin was beginning to sag. I've been so stressed out, not only about my love life, but about school. There has been so much work and I've been trying to find time for Snape but I also wanted to enjoy myself. Why did life have to be so confusing?

I decided against eating dinner and brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas. I walked back to my bed and snuggled under the covers, trying to get the warmth to invade me, which it finally did. I breathed in deeply, getting frustrated as the seconds tick by.

I was dragged into a deep sleep, in a pool of misery.


	7. Chapter 6 Part 1

**A/N:** **Hello! So this is where all the 'problems' start so please, beware. R&R! Enjoy! 7**  
Chapter 6:

**Lily POV:**

I walked across the courtyard to my next class, holding my textbooks and notebooks to my chest. The bitter cold nipped at my skin, invading the warmth as my cheeks stung. The wind whipped at my face, blowing my hair back, messing it up. I walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts and took my normal seat. I sat down and copied the notes on the blackboard.

Halfway through, I felt someone sit next to me. With no doubt, I knew that it was James.

I peered up and we met eye contact for a few seconds, before I looked back at my notes. "Hi, Lily," He greeted, taking out his notebook.

"Hello, James. How are you?" I finished the last of my notes and set my quill down.

"I'm doing well, thank you, how about you?"

"Fine, thanks."

As he was writing down the notes, I heard a fit of giggled entering the room. I turned around and saw the same two girls walk in; the ones that were flirting with James. I rolled my eyes and sighed, exasperated, already with their girly actions.

"Everything alright?" James asked, dipping the tip of his quill into the ink before continuing the notes.

"Yeah." I sighed.

He knew that nothing was alright, but knew not to ask me any further.

The girls sat down, far away from where we sat. I was content with that; no distractions.

In the middle of class, James slipped me a note. I opened it and his tidy, slanted writing wrote:

_Care to join me in Hogsmeade this evening?_

I looked around to make sure nobody was watching and brought the quill to the paper and wrote:

_That would be lovely._

I passed it back to James and he opened it. I looked at him in the corner of my eye and saw him smile the smallest bit.

He wrote back:

_How's 5:30?_

I nodded my head in agreement and slipped the paper inside my notebook.

When class finished, I took my things in hand and waited for James. He neatly stacked his papers and shoved them inside his notebook. He piled everything and gathered them in his arms. We walked out of the classroom and decided to sit down on a bench in the corridor.

"So, it's 5:30, right?" He asked.

"5:30," I confirmed with the nod of my head.

"Okay. I know a really nice café and I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

"I can't wait!"

"Me neither. I'll see you then!"

We waved each other goodbye and walked our separate directions to our next classes.

After all my classes were finished, I rushed back to my room, needing to get ready to meet with James.

I walked past my common room and into my dorm. I dropped my things by my bed and took my coat off, hanging it beside the door. I took the books out of my bag and set them on my desk. I had to get as much homework done as possible. I don't want anything big hanging over my head over the hangout.

I finished all my Astronomy and Potions homework. I just had a little more to do. I checked the time and saw that it was 4:00. Perfect. I could take a shower and get ready in a knick of time.

I stripped and took a shower, relaxing my tensed muscles from the past week as the hot water rushed down my body.

When I was done, I wrapped myself in a towel and put on black slacks and an emerald green flowing top, which matched my eyes. I towel dried my hair and put it into a braid. Before I left at 5:00, I grabbed some galleons from my bag and tucked them into my coat pocket. I tugged on a scarf and slipped on my gloves and boots, then walked out.

20 minutes later, I was in Hogsmeade. I was walking about the shops, looking into the windows, wandering about.

"Lily!"

I snapped my head to where I thought I heard the voice coming from.

"I'm over here!" The voice said again.

I turned to my right, but saw nothing.

"Seriously, Lily! I'm right here!"

I turned around in such a rush that I felt light headed. I tried to steady myself, and was about to fall, but I felt a strong hand hold me up.

"Thank you!" I exclaimed.

I looked next to me to see that it was James that was holding me. The corners of his bright pink lips turned up in the corners. "Hahaha. You're welcome."

We walked into the nearest café. We ordered whatever we wanted and sat down. We were quiet for a few minutes until I felt his eyes staring at me. I looked up from my tea and met my green eyes with his chocolate brown ones. "Yes?" I laughed.

He just merely smiled. "Lily, why did you want to hang out with me when you're dating Severus? I mean, I don't mean it like you're cheating on him, but does he know about this?"

Uh-oh. "Um . . . "what to say? I don't want to lie to him, but I'm scared he's going to judge me. I decided to tell him the truth. "Okay. You can't tell anyone this. Understood?"

He nodded his head quickly.

"Okay. Snape told me he had feelings for me and we were really good friends. I didn't want to break his heart and make him feel bad, so I told him I felt the same. He thinks that I really do love him but it would kill me inside to see him upset. He's like my brother and it's just awkward." I blurted.

James nodded his head and looked down at his tea. "I have to tell you something. I was scared to tell you this when I found out that you and Severus were going out. But now that you told me all of that, I think I'm ready: I'm in love with you. Now, I don't want to be blunt about it or anything. But I don't want to deny something that means so much to me and try to push those feelings away. I've always admired you . . . I really did and I still do. Love is a big thing in life and you can't just toss it around, and drop it into oblivion, like dropping a stone into the ocean. You're like that stone; I can't fall in love with you and then try to forget about you. It will never happen. Love is something precious and true love only comes once in your life. I don't care if you don't like me like that, but I just wanted to let you know."

"James, I really like you, too. That's the whole reason that I came here. I wanted to spend time with you. I feel really bad because Snape doesn't know about this, but I feel like I'm doing something for him. Those words mean a lot to me." I told him.

"So what does this mean? Are we going to date behind his back?"

"I have no idea. What if somebody sees us and tells everybody? It's going to come back to him some way."

"I know, but I really want to be with you," he pleaded.

"Okay. But we have to be _very _secretive." I whispered.

He leaned across the table and bowed his head. "I promise."

I bowed my head so we were at eye level. "Okay."

We both cracked up at how ridiculous we were being.

We talked and laughed until the café closed down. "Good evening, I just wanted to say that we're closing down," and old man said. He had grey hair that was starting to bald and had a hunched back. "Take your time. I might presume that you two are a couple?"

James and I looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

"You two look lovely together. Best wishes." And he walked away.

We decided to take our time and continue our conversation about how ridiculous some professors are and what we hope to do with our future.

When it was very late, we decided it was best to go back.

We got up and put on our coats, gloves and scarves. We got up and hugged before joining hands and walking out into the cold night.

When we got home, we went our separate ways. Halfway to my room, I decided to go check up on Severus.

I walked through his common room and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer. I opened the door not only to see Snape with pure hatred burning in his brown eyes. His chest rising and falling rapidly, his nostrils flaring. His hands were clenched, his nails digging into his palms.

"Severus, what's wrong?" I asked quietly, scared of what he might say.

"What do you mean 'what's wrong'?" he barked; the volume of his voice igniting the flames of anger in his eyes.

"Why are you upset?" I was praying that he wouldn't say what he was going to say.

"Oh! Why am I upset?! Tell me; where were you earlier before you came here?"

"I was at Hogsmeade."

"With who?" He encouraged with a smirk, his voice quieter, yet the frustration and anger still evident.

"Why do you want to know?" I challenged.

"BLOODY HELL! TELL ME WHO THE HELL YOU WERE WITH!" He snapped.

"I was with James Potter," I replied, immensely intimidated.

He began to pace back and forth, occasionally running a hand through his untamed hair, sticking up in different directions.

"God. Why would you do this?!" he exclaimed.

"I-I-Severus, I . . . "I couldn't finish my sentence. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than how hurt he was then.

"What?" He asked, impatiently.

"I was never really in love with you. I just told you I loved you because I didn't want to make you upset. I only like you like a brother. Nothing more. I'm so sorry." I said, all in a rush. My nose and throat burned as tears pricked my eyes. I didn't want to take pity on myself, but I was so upset with the way I acted.

His eyes clouded with fury, turning into a pitch black. His breathing became more erratic. "Why would you lie to me?! You could have told me that you didn't like me like that. Now I'm hurt and this just makes it worse."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I don't know what was going through my mind. I really am sorry. I know that won't cut it, but I don't know what will." I apologized.

He spun around on his heel and walked towards the window. He started outside and without looking at me, he said in a strangely calm voice, "Please leave."

I knew I shouldn't mess with him. I turned around and briskly walked out. The pace began to pick up and I began to run. I flung open the door to my common room and dashed up the stairs into my room. I shut and locked the door and flung myself on my bed, sobbing into the pillow.

I'm such an idiot. I should have told him. Stupid. That's what I am; stupid. Now we aren't going to even be friends anymore. I ruined everything. Wait, who cares about me? What about Snape? He's probably hurting more than ever. Look at what I did. I made a mess, something permanent. Like a storm taking away precious belongings. I'll never get them back.


	8. Chapter 6 Part 2

**A/N: This is where the angst starts, so please no flames if you aren't capable of handling them. R&R! Enjoy! :D **

Chapter 6B:

**Snape POV:**

After my classes and dinner, I decided to go to Hogsmeade. The cauldrons I had were rusty and badly used and I was in desperate need of a new one. So, at around 6, I left for Hogsmeade.

After I bought what I needed, I was looking around. I came to a café and was appalled by what I saw:

James Potter talking to Lily.

My Lily.

My anger boiled but I continued watching them, curiosity getting the best of me. They were talking and laughing and, how others would refer to it, they were having a "good time".

But what got me going was when the owner of the café came up to them and told them something. I couldn't tell what he said, but because of what he said, Lily blushed and giggled and James had this look . . . it was hard to describe what it had in it . . . love? Lust? I don't know. But it made my blood heat up and I knew that they were up to something. I knew that I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions, but what I saw before my eyes was a huge disbelief.

I couldn't believe Lily would betray me like that. She told me she loved me . . .

Wait a second.

I thought that she didn't like me but I just pushed that thought away. No wonder she was acting so weird when I kissed her. She barely even talked to me after that like normal. What an idiot I was. How foolish it was for me to not think that she would never do something like that. I mean, we were really good friends, but this made me furious.

However, I still had feelings for her. I wanted them to go away, but they wouldn't. No matter how hard I tried, they wouldn't disappear. She was the love of my life . . . and apparently still is. That made me even more upset: how could I be so gullible into liking one of my best friends. I knew that it was going to jeopardize our friendship. Yet, I still didn't listen to those inner feelings. Now, she's going behind my back and doing something peculiar with a boy that I know is quite popular and has girls gushing over him and practically drools when he walks past them in the hallways or goes crazy when they see him playing quidditch.

The more I thought about it, the more the flames of anger were ignited by each and every thought that was coursing through my veins. Only one word described what I was: an idiot; a stupid idiot who should have never tried for his best friend.

Just as I was going to think further, I saw them get up from their seat and started walking towards the door. I panicked, not wanting to be caught, and ran back to Hogwarts.

When I got back to my dorm, I slammed the door shut and threw my cauldrons on the desk in the corner of my room. I tugged at my hair furiously. I'm a damn idiot. How could I be so foolish? I don't have any other friends; Lily WAS my one and only friend. Now, I'm all by myself.

But then I took pity on myself. How could she do this? That was a thought that kept on coming back to my mind. But I wanted to know why. Why wouldn't she tell me that she didn't like me back when I confessed my feelings for her? It would have been better if she did that rather than what she's doing. If she would have told me, then I wouldn't be feeling the abundance of agony penetrating my heart like shards of glass. She's selfish. That's what she is . . . but how could I think of my best friend like that? No. She was being selfish . . . but then again, I shouldn't have been an idiot to fall in love with her.

A few minutes later, I heard a soft knock on my door. What if it's her? I shouldn't open it. I waited, looking at it. They knocked once more. I stood in front of the door; my feet planted a few feet in front of it. I clenched my fists and glared at whoever would be walking in.

It was Lily.

Even the sight of her made me upset. She looked slightly startled, but took a few steps towards me. "Severus, what's wrong?" she quietly asked.

"What do you mean, 'what's wrong'?" I shouted. She flinched, but I didn't even bother giving that a second thought.

"Why are you upset?" her voice slightly trembling like she was scared.

Oh, so she's going to play dumb? What else would she have done to make me this choleric?

"Oh! Why am I upset?! Tell me; where were you before you came here?"

"I was at Hogsmeade." She said simply, trying to be confident, but it soon faltered after what I asked her next.

"With whom?" I seethed with a smirk. This would surely get her.

"Why do you want to know?" She tried to act confident again, but I knew better than to fall for it.

"BLOODY HELL! TELL ME WHO THE HELL YOU WERE WITH!" I exclaimed. By now, I was in pure rage. Who did she think I was?

"James Potter," she replied, taken aback.

I couldn't stand looking at her. I began walking back and forth and tugged at my hair again a few more times. "God! Why would you do this?!" I couldn't wait for her answer. I just wanted to know whether she really liked me or not.

"I-I-Severus, I . . . "She stammered.

I was growing impatient with her trying to stall. "What?" I asked, cross.

"I was never really in love with you. I just told you I loved you because I didn't want to make you upset. I only like you like a brother; nothing more. I'm so sorry." She blurted. Her nose began turning pink and she swallowed hard. I could see the tears collecting in her tear ducts.

"Why would you lie to me?! You could have told me that you didn't like me like that. Now I'm hurt and this just makes it worse." I was astonished. My breathing got heavy and I clenched and unclenched my fists.

"I know. I'm so sorry. I don't know what was going through my mind. I really am sorry. I know that won't cut it, but I don't know what will." She said, trying to hold back the tears. But it was too late; one slipped onto her porcelain cheek and was collected in the corner of pink lips.

Oh how I wanted to kiss those lips. How many times I dreamed of it. But now, everything was down the drain. Every chance . . . except for that one time. But I didn't feel any love or passion in it; it was forced upon. I poured my feelings out to her and all she does is treat me like this.

I had so many emotions, I couldn't even begin. They were all jumbled up, like how they were when I wanted to tell her how I felt, except the feelings I had now were depressing. There was only one order I need her to do.

I tried to calm down by walking to my window. I peered outside and took a deep breath and said, "Please leave."

I heard her breath hitch, her footsteps scuffing against the wooden floors and the door open, and then click shut behind her.

I took a few deep breaths but no matter how many I took, I was still seething with anger. My heart broken and shattered; irreplaceable. I had only one true love and my chance was blown. Why did my life have to be so pathetic? Why do _I_ have to be so damn pathetic?

My emotions were all over the place, and I couldn't control them. I took my fist to the wall near the window and I could feel the affliction in my knuckles. I looked at my hand and blood seeped through the small cracks. But instead of doing anything about it, it only made me more infuriated.

Why was I doing something like this? Inflicting pain on my own body? I was a coward for doing something like that. I felt weak and insufferable. The anger, pain, jealousy, and hurt were too much to handle. I couldn't take any of this. I was so fed up. Fed up with me, Lily, and falling in love with her. Upset that I told her how I felt, feeling like a fool.

That's when I started crying. However, that only made me feel more of a coward, which made me madder. What was wrong with me? Why was I so weak and foolish? It's just a girl, right?

Wrong. Lily Evans was the love of my life. At first, it was a little crush. Then, it turned into love; pure, precious love. The way her smile made me smile; those rosy lips being tugged upward in the corners. How soft her hair felt in my hands. How she was so nice to every person she met, befriending them. She was always there for me . . . for every situation. But I was a cretin. Who did I think I was, expressing my feelings for her? She felt bad for me, which made me despondent, like I was a little kid. But that only made me realize how prodigious her heart was.

Soon, I was sobbing and my head was throbbing. I wiped my nose on a tissue and washed my face with cold water. I went to the infirmary, got pain medicine and went back to my room. After a while, the pain subsided . . . but only the physical pain. My heart was still in torn in pieces.

I decided to lie down on my bed, and try to fall asleep. Today was a heinous, lurid, and loathsome day. I was ready to end it all. But how would I be able to face Lily tomorrow? Hell, how would I be able to face James and look at that handsome face without wanting to pummel it?

Agony.

Jealousy.

Hurt.

Frustration.

Heartbroken.

How to stop all of these when they'll be hanging over my head for my whole life, pestering me in my future?

Death.

Dreary, dire death.


	9. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello, my little chirons! I am so sorry that I didn't post in a long time. My internet has been down and everything has been so hectic! Anyways, this is the last chapter and please, be careful. There is suicide in this chapter! R&R! **

Chapter 7:

**Lily POV:**

I lay in bed after spilling every last bit of tears I had inside of me. Why would I do something like that? Why would I hurt Severus like that? He was like a brother to me and I should have never lied to him. I broke his heart by being selfish and abominable.

I sighed as I flipped over on my stomach. Sleep wouldn't come to me. I've been lying awake for 3 hours. Severus was on my mind and I hate to confess this but . . . James was, too. I can't believe I was thinking about him after all that was happening. My main priority was Severus and I was still flaunting over a boy that I liked.

I glared at the clock, getting frustrated. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. Go back and tell Snape that I didn't like him like that, so he wouldn't have to go through all the misery.

I was soon sucked into sleep, deep in thoughts.

The next morning, I groaned as I got ready for my classes. I don't know if I was ready to face Severus. I don't think I could stand to see how much pain I caused him.

I stuffed my things into a bag and whatever I couldn't fit inside of it, I held in my hands. I put on my coat, scarf, gloves and boots and walked out, being bitten by the frigid weather like venomous snakes.

**Snape POV:**

I decided to cut my classes. It was final:

I was going to be torn away from this sufferable torment of a vortex I was dragged into.

I was going to write Lily a goodbye note. I don't like calling it a suicide note because then I felt like a coward.

After I was going to write it, I would slip it under her door and go back to my room, where I had the pain medicine and anti-depressant waiting for me. Why pain medicine? Because of the agony that was eating away at my shattered heart. Anti-depressant? Because I needed to take away the sadness that overtook my body.

I sat down at my desk and began writing:

_Lily,_

_I don't know what to say. You broke my heart. I don't have words that could fathom to say how much pain I'm going through. I'm lost at words but I have come to a conclusion that I still love you. Nothing will ever make me think otherwise. I tried to stop loving you, but I couldn't bring myself to. _

_ So what's the way to stop the pain, depression, anger, frustration, and heartbroken? Death. So that's what I decided to do: kill myself. I want to drag myself away from this living hell I'm in right now. I think it's what's best for the both us. You could be happy with James and I don't have to watch you two being happy because that would make me even more miserable. I don't want you to take pity on me, or else that would make me feel even guiltier. Why am I guilty in the first place? Because you and I were friends and I feel horrible throwing that away by first, 'going out' with you and second, killing myself. Why should killing myself make me feel guilty? Because I'm throwing away every possibility there could be for us to rebuild our friendship. But it's no use knowing that you're going to be with James and I'm just going to be your friend. _

_ I feel like you and I never really got to 'discuss' my feelings. But since I'm going to drift away from this world, I decided I should talk to you about them:_

_Love: Whenever you got a boyfriend, it would kill me inside to see you happy with someone. I'm glad that you were happy, but I wanted my own time with you. And in that time, I wanted nothing more than to be your boyfriend. When I found out that I liked- wait, no- loved you, I tried to push it away. I knew that it would somehow jeopardize our friendship. Yet, I took that risk and told you something that I, myself, couldn't deny. When I tell you that I love you, I don't mean the shallow kind of love . . . but the love full of passion, lust, friendship, loyalty and hope; the kind where I would always be with you. Tell you how beautiful you are. I would always be by your side, like I always have. The kind where I'll be with you until death do us apart. You don't know how much effort that it took me to tell you that I love you. Want to know how much? Every. Ounce. I never experienced this feeling with any other girl. There are no words to describe how much I love you. But I guess it's too late to go back, right?_

_Anger: Why wouldn't you tell me that you didn't like me like the way I liked you? Did you take pity on me? I have made a fool out of myself. I damn did. I mustered all the confidence and determination I had and I told you I loved you. Yet, when I told you, you lied to my face. How could you do that to a friend? It sure takes a hell of a lot of nerves to do something like that. But you lied, pretended, faked, everything absolutely horrible. Every lie leaves a scar on my body; something that can't be erased. Now, my body is covered in them. They liter every part. Now, I'm not talking about actual scars. If I actually did cut myself, I would be even more upset with myself. These are mental scars; they don't go away . . . they're embedded into my brain and ghastly body._

_Jealously: I think that this emotion is quite self-explanatory. I hope you and James have a marvelous life together._

_Pain: There is a copious amount of this feeling, besides love, that invades my body. It hurts me that you would lie. That you would turn your back on me. That you would take pity on me, that you didn't show any guilt or shame, that you wouldn't even confront me that you lied earlier. It would have been better if you told me that you didn't like me after a few days of us 'going out' rather than me finding you with James._

_ You have done me well, Lily Evans. I have to give you the credit. You made me realize how pathetic my life is . . . how pathetic I am. Wouldn't it be better to only watch over James? I'm one less worry, aren't I? Love is inevitable and your love for James is inevitable. You know, it hurts me a lot; feeling that you don't have a place in this world or someone's life, especially when that person is you. _

_I think it's time for me to departure from my uninvited place on earth. You and I have had fabulous memories together. Just remember those things. Why? Because it pains me inside to say goodbye to someone I love, who is you. But it has come to that time in life. Don't think about the depressing moments in life, but about our fun memories, because you were the only person that could tame the fire within me. But like people say, 'Love is colorless, love is blind, so should we be'._

_Goodbye Lily Evans. _

_Your true lover,_

_Severus Snape_

I folded the paper and walked to the door. I trudged over to Lily's room and slipped the note under her door. I sighed as I walked back to my room where the pain medicine and anti-depressant were waiting. I walked in and closed the door. I walked over to my desk and grabbed the bottle full of at least 50 pain killers and 30mg of anti-depressant. I slipped on my coat and gloves and walked towards the Astronomy tower. I dashed past all the classes, not wanting to get caught.

I made it past all the classes and went to the highest floor. I hunched down as I went through a window that overlooked the rest of Hogwarts; where Lily and I made a majority of our memories.

I shook my head and took out the bottle of pain killers and the bottle of anti-depressant. I shook 5 pills into my shaking hand (for luck) and popped them into my mouth. I set the bottle in my pocket and took out the anti-depressant. I chugged more than half and stood on the ledge and looked down. That's where I'm going to fall.

After a few minutes, I felt sick and my vision got blurry. My head throbbed as I stared down. I began to breathe heavily, my body not use to this feeling. But my brain told me to calm down because I won't feel this in a few minutes.

Tears streamed down my face and I shut my eyes tight. Memories of Lily and I flashed in front of my eyes like a montage. Us when we were younger, running around Hogwarts, laughing, whispering to each other, the feeling I got when I started to fall for her. When we were older and how I started to fall even deeper. Deeper into the ocean of love I had for her. I saw her face; that beautiful face.

Her smile: her rosy, soft, and supple pink lips formed into the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.

Her eyes: emerald green, like jades, crinkling in the corners when she smiled.

Her skin: Like porcelain skin on a doll. They would turn into a soft pink when she blushed or walked in the cold.

Her hair: Falling over her shoulders like a waterfall; soft and silky, shiny when she bounced in the sunlight.

I kept on picturing her, thinking about us. I pushed those horrid thoughts about our failed relationship.

I lifted my right foot and dropped it.

.

.

.

.

.

My body being engulfed in the pleasure of being released from misery, pain, heartbroken, jealousy, anger, and frustration.

I opened my eyes for a few seconds to see that I saw somebody looking out a window. They were screaming at me, telling me to stop.

But it was too late. I was swallowed into pitch black.

That girl was Lily Evans.


End file.
